by Justin Cheng
When I had heard that the Golden State Warriors had signed a player from USC, the amount of school pride that swelled in my veins could not be contained. The University of Southern California has had recent stream of student-athletes that have gone on the NBA, including OJ Mayonnaise, Demar Derozan, Nick Swaggy P Young, and Taj Gibson. USC's basketball team has struggled in the past couple seasons and failed to appear in the NCAA tournament two years in a row, so it goes beyond saying it was a momentous day for the Trojan family. Or so it seemed.
That's when it was discovered that it was 7'0" center Dewayne Dedmon who was signed by the Warriors. Immediately, those good feelings turned into something reminiscent of the four times I watched Two Girls One Cup (here's the link in case you want to empathize with how I feel).
Okay, you feel it now right?
So you ask: Why do you feel so much disdain for him?
I've made it no secret on this blog about my dislike of Pablo Sandoval, who wastes his God-given talents on smashing donut shops, rather than baseballs. Ryan Braun is an unconscionable liar and cheat.
Dewayne Dedmon is neither of those. DEWAYNE DEDMON IS A LINE-CUTTER!
On the morning of September 22, 2011, an eye-widening tweet rang out through the Twittersphere.
J. Cole is coming to USC!!! http://t.co/1gzp0h1XSAY WHAT?! J-Cole, the pride of Fayetteville, North Carolina, rapper extraordinaire was going to be coming to MY SCHOOL!
— GZ Performance Cafe (@GroundZeroUSC) September 21, 2011
Up to that point in my life, I had the fantastic experiences to see LMFAO, Dat Phan, and Super Cr3w -- a VIP list of nobodies -- in person. It was a no-brainer, a decision more instant than noodles. I made the conscious choice to skip class and wait to meet the guy whose Friday Night Lights had taken the space of CD space #4 in my car for the past year.
I entered the café at 9 am. It was silent, giving no indication that an up-and-coming rapper was going to be present within the coming hours. Nothing had been set up.
"Had I been deceived? Was this a hoax?" I asked myself. The proof was there on my phone. I had to wait.
20 minutes later, I hear a rumbling by the café staff, "Let's set up some chairs and some lines."
"YES!" I thought. This wasn't a joke!
To top it all off, I see Beats By Dre, the popular headphone company, setting up their own stand. People start standing in line, and there are murmurs that they will be giving out free headphones for the first few people in line.
HOLY SHIT! I was going to meet one of my favorite rappers AND get a pair of $200 headphones for free?! Skipping class has not paid off this well since I skipped Chinese 3 in high school to go get In N Out.
An hour passes by, and more people are starting to arrive.
"It's alright," I thought to myself smugly, "These people are never going to get my type of experience."
12:30 p.m. passes, and J. Cole is still not there. I start getting antsy, and I begin to wonder if he is ever going to come. I throw out some of fanboyish tweets, hoping that he would hurry his ass up. I want to eat lunch too, asshole.
2:30 p.m. Holy shit. I am over it. I want to eat. The MC of the event announces that J. Cole is coming in from Burbank, a 20-minute drive to LA, and is going to be late.
"Yeah, no shit, dumbass. He was late two hours ago."
3:15 p.m. "J.Cole is in the parking lot. He is coming now!" the MC bellows through the microphone.
3:15:01 p.m. MAYHEM ensues. I see the teenie boppers scrambing and screaming. I was secretly screaming inside too. More so because I was hungry, rather than excitement. FINALLY!
3:16 p.m. A darkness consumes the room and a seven-foot shadow is cast upon myself and four other normal-sized human beings.
"WTF, who turned off the lights?" I thought.
I turn around to see, 7'0" center Dewayne Dedmon of the USC basketball team standing right in front of me.
I was immediately shocked and dazed at the sight of the school's seven-foot butterfingered, underachieving center, "He was not here before. How hard could it be to spot a seven-foot butterfingered, underachieving center?"
Nobody says anything, and I certainly wasn't going to talk shit to a seven-foot butterfingered, underachieving center.
3:17 p.m. J. Cole enters. He immediately gets a loud roar of applause. He takes the microphone and apologizes for his tardiness, and says, "Let's get this thang going!"
I respected Cole's offer at an apology, but I was still fuming at the idea that this seven-foot blunder was in front of me, after I waited over six hours to see one of my favorite rappers.
As the line starts going, I see the Beats by Dre table giving out the headphones. My mixed emotions of excitement, rage, and hunger quickly turned to fear -- fear that I would not get a free pair of $200 headphones.
The line progresses, and as I look up, Dedmon talks to the Beats by Dre table, and I see the very last pair of headphones going into those buttery hands... I couldn't believe it. He waited a total of ten minutes, and he got the headphones AND met J.Cole before I did.
That ruined the moment that I had been envisioning for the past six hours. All in all, I was still ecstatic to meet such well-respected artist. I had to keep a wider perspective, and I was grateful to be able to shake hands with him and get an autograph! So I can now say that J. Cole knows my name, and here is the proof.BUT, I still want Dewayne Dedmon cut. If he can cut in lines, he can certainly be cut from the Warriors.
Start the trend on Twitter, #CutDedmon.
THE END
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The Bayless Babbles is a sports blog is co-authored by UC Merced/ USC alumnus Justin Cheng and UC San Diego alumnus Brent Lee.
that shit was hilarious. thanks for the laughs.
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