The Disney Squad: All-First Team

How to Defeat Michael Jordan and the Tune Squad
By Justin Cheng

It took five midget aliens taking a crash course in professional basketball to muster a lackluster attempt to defeat Michael Jordan and the Tune Squad. While the additions of Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley were admirable, it was more than obvious for the two aliens who stole Muggsy Bogues and Shawn Bradley's "ability" didn't do their due diligence in research. When selecting players who never averaged more than 11.2 points per game and spent their careers getting more facials than Sasha Grey, your team is bound for failure.    

Let's be honest. The Tune Squad -- other than Michael Jordan -- was nothing but a mosh pit of nobodies that the Charlotte Bobcats/Cats/Hornets could even scoff at. As player/coach, MJ's management skills were foreshadowed by surrounding himself with a starting lineup of Taz, Lola Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Bugs Bunny.
  
To my bemusement, Taz had a starting position, and minutes before tipoff, (rather than looking ready for basketball) he looks like The Governor finally let him loose to attack Rick and the rest of the prison crew.

Another questionable starter was the famous Bugs Bunny. Steriod use has yet to be a huge issue in the NBA, but performance-enhancing drugs are specifically banned through the collective-bargaining agreement. This call to start an obvious Biogenesis client should have been more than enough to disqualify the Tune Squad. Bugs, next time, don't be so obvious about it (Richard Sherman).


Meanwhile, the Monstars lost a terribly officiated game when Michael Jordan jumps over the orange Monstar's rear end and takes a three-point dunk attempt to the hole. This one action took 35.47 seconds in the movie to complete when there were only five seconds left on the clock. Blown calls and official timing aside, the Monstars would have been better off robbing Disney characters' talents to match up to the Tune Squad. This is how I would have imagined it.


Head Coach - Phineas Flynn (Phineas & Ferb)

Run n' gun style offenses have been said to be able to win games, and Phineas Flynn seems to have that same type of mentality. Phineas' intuitive imagination always has something to do for a seemingly endless summer break, making him the ideal candidate for what I would want an exciting basketball team to do. The deal between the Monstars and the Tune Squad was to win ONE game, not have a full season or a series. Therefore, Phineas Flynn would be the obvious choice for head coach of my Disney Squad. 

Point Guard - Wendy Wu (Homecoming Warrior)

What attribute does every great point have? NO, I didn't pick Wendy Wu because she's Asian, so we can get that out of the way. Take a look at that precision on that lipstick throw! I am confident that lipstick throwing can easily translate into basketball passing. If Wendy's shooting can catch up with her passing, she could easily be a Steve Nash or Jose Calderon-type player.






Shooting Guard -- Air Bud (Air Bud, Golden Receiver, World Pup, Seventh Inning Fetch, Spikes Back)

Jesus Shuttlesworth, Reggie Miller, Stephen Curry, Air Bud(?). Every team needs an assassin shooter, and Air Bud is just what this team needs. As an all-around athlete, Air Bud has a deadly spot-up jumpshot. With Wendy Wu as a backcourt partner, Air Bud is bound to get plenty of open shots. Nobody is going to foul a puppy, that is, unless you name rhymes with Cycle Dick. 








Small Forward -- Flubber
One of the qualities of a Hall-of-Fame player is that he makes his teammates better. Flubber will play the role that Lebron James holds with the Miami Heat. Flubber has the ability to make players jump higher and dribble faster (Click here to see). This is the type of role that needs to be filled at the small forward spot. If Bugs Bunny is going to drink his steroid-infused Michael Jordan juice, it is only fair to even the score by spraying sneakers with Flubber.

Power Forward -- Lotso (Toy Story 3)

Laker's fans are all too familiar with the "soft play" of Pau Gasol. Well, there is nothing soft about Lotso, and he fills this power forward position perfectly. After being abandoned by Daisy, Lotso controlled Sunnyside and will also control the painted area. Nobody screws with Lotso, and no soft play will be tolerated.

Center -- Ralph (Wreck-It Ralph)

Imagine going into the the paint with Wreck-It Ralph standing in the middle. Dwight Howard and Superman may fly from buildings, but Wreck-It Ralph destroys them. No way MJ takes a half-court dunk attempt if Ralph is ready to bash his face in; therefore Ralph is my center.











Do you think my Disney team would outplay the Monstars and the Tune Squad?

The Bayless Babbles is a sports blog is co-authored by UC Merced/ USC alumnus Justin Cheng and UC San Diego alumnus Brent Lee.

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