You're a Big Fat Phony

Why Ryan Braun is the Worst Person in the History of MLB
By Justin Cheng

MLB's swift-handed damnation of Milwaukee Brewers star Ryan Braun came down faster than a Zeus lightning bolt. The 2011 National League MVP was handed a 65-game suspension without pay for his link to the South Florida anti-aging clinic Biogenesis. The suspension effectively ends his 2013 campaign and leaves many others -- most notably Alex Rodriguez -- awaiting their own punishment.

But what makes Ryan Braun such a villain? Is he the man that Holden Caulfield claims him to be?

To provide some context to this situation, the infamous Mitchell Report was released in 2007, shaming the game's most decorated stars of the 80's and 90's. Careers destined for Cooperstown glory were dragged through the mud with questions about their legitimacy. From pitchers like Roger Clemens and Andy Petite to sluggers Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, and Rafael Palmeiro, all of their reputations were irreversibly broken like my cell phone's cracked screen.

The message was sent: Just Say No! 

Even if Nancy Reagan didn't take a loudspeaker to Braun's face herself with this excruciatingly repetitive message, ESPN did nothing but talk about it. CNN made it a big deal. For God's sake, I'm sure Perez Hilton probably could have an elongated discussion about it with Carson Daly on 97.1. 

The minimum rookie salary in 2007 (when Braun debuted with the Brewers) was $380,000, certainly providing him with ample opportunity to see the stars fall from the sky. That type of money should at least afford you a television and an antenna. 

-- Shit in 2007, I was 18 and most concerned when Staci the Bartender would next show up on The Hills. At least, I knew what was legal in baseball. Take that, Ryan. -- 

Baseball has always been a numbers game. Roger Maris' 61 single-season home runs, Hank Aaron's 755 career home runs, Pete Rose's 4,256 career hits,  Cy Young's 511 career wins. These are all milestone achievements that these individuals are inextricably associated with. A player's statistics defines his accomplishments and serves as a platform, helping young kids learn whether to laminate or thrust a player card into a pile of nobodies. 

That type of glorified baseball seems prehistoric. With BALCO and Biogenesis having taken over the duties of the clubhouse trainer, it is impossible to gauge the legitimacy of current numbers. When Chris Davis and Miguel Cabrera have 30+ home runs and 90+ RBIs by the All-Star break or even Buster Posey showing off his muscular physique in Men's Health magazine, we can't help but think all but one thing -- STEROIDS. 

Whether or not these premature conclusions are justified, that's just the nature today's game. We, as fans, have been fooled before and do not want to be duped again. Even with 50-game and 100-game suspensions, players continue to take these performance-enhancing drugs, mindlessly outweighting the benefits to costs.

This is when Pinocchio -- excuse me, Ryan Braun -- turns into the evil villain. Taking steroids itself is not the crime but insulting fan intelligence in the process is unforgivable. 

Months after winning the 2011 National League MVP award, the former two-time All American tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone, and faced a 50-game suspension. With a collective rolling of eyes, some called him to be stripped of the MVP. Braun's response? He appealed on a technicality and WON.

"If I had done this intentionally or unintentionally, I'd be the first one to step up and say, 'I did it.' By no means am i perfect, but if I've ever made any mistakes in my life I've taken responsibility for it. I truly believe in my heart, and I would be my life, that this substance never entered my body...I've always stood up for what is right. Today is about everybody who's been wrongly accused, and everybody who's ever had to stand up for what is actually right" -- February 24, 2012

Please, Pinocchio. You weren't fooling anybody. Testosterone doesn't increase to insanely high levels just because your piss was put in a Rubbermaid container AND to vehemently deny it too?! 

Braun might have gotten a quiet pass in 2011, but when the Biogenesis report came out, I am not sure who was legitimately surprised his name was linked to PEDs. Well, the verdict is out now. It became clearer than Casper the Friendly Ghost that Braun is compulsive liar, a narcissist, and hellbent for self-preservation. 

All in all, Braun is still going to continue to play baseball, whether it be in Milwaukee or somewhere else. At the very least, Braun should be stripped of his 2011 MVP title. Braun is still going to make $113 million over the next seven years at the cost of his reputation and $4.5 million of Aaron Rodgers' money. This is home of the free and land of the brave, after all. 

The Bayless Babbles is a sports blog is co-authored by UC Merced/ USC alumnus Justin Cheng and UC San Diego alumnus Brent Lee.

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